No...my boy...

[lwood]

For those of you who know my cats, George has lost 25% of his already scanty weight in the past two months. Today, he would not eat canned food and barely lapped at water.

dpaxson and I took him to the vet.

George has been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (cause: Old Cats Do That) and liver disease (cause: Unknown, but the vet asked the boon of finding out, and I granted it: it seemed a small favor I could do her readily enough). Also, his heart murmur has gotten worse, but not too bad, and his intestinal flora are in open revolt and filled his tract with gas.

We have had him at the vet all day on this and that--most notably an IV drip to hydrate him and some painkillers, a fine opiate that can be absorbed through the gums. There's also an antacid and antibiotic to act as gastrointestinal riot police.

These are all palliative.

Tonight, Snug Harbor is a kitty hospice.

I listened to the veterinarian, followed along dutifully on every piece of jargon, the results of the tests they could run right there and then. If he were propped back up from this bout of kidney disease, his kidneys will not magically start to work: there will be another episode, and another, while we wait and watch him poison himself from the inside out.

I said, "Forgive me--I'm going to lapse into computer jargon here, I need a little emotional distance right now. Leaving aside the liver thing, is the kidney disease enough of a showstopper on its own that, in your professional opinion, euthanasia is the recommended course of action?"

I could see the numbers on the paper for the sundry enzymes--what they had been three months ago, what they were now, what normal was. They were very bad numbers. I could set aside my heart and see them, just like that: Very Bad Numbers.

As a sysadmin, I have learned how to be good at setting aside my liver (it's the yellow bile, you see) and see which numbers are all right, which are naughty, and which are very bad.

These tell me that my darling love is not well. The veterinarian is telling me that it will not really get better. I am asking if the numbers are bad enough that it is more compassionate to kill him rather than let him go on, a weakening bag of fragile bones, who only wants to love his humans and curl up on them and eat nice foods and good 'nip now and again. I can't tell him why it hurts--but I can make it stop.

Is it really that bad? Is it? I have steeled myself, in that moment, because I know damn well it is. The tears I could not shed then I shed now, writing this.

"Yes."

dpaxson's hand is in mine, squeezing it gently, and I nod. "Then that is how we will proceed."

It will be tomorrow. All three of us will be there--I will ask if I can be the one to push the plunger, heeding the Grand Master's words:

"When the need arises - and it does - you must be able to shoot your own dog."

So.

Right now I'm vacillating between:

• Holy crap, it's a cat, get over yourself.


• I have known that cat longer than I've known all y'all except countgeiger. Screw off, first bullet point!


• Was this the most compassionate course? To make one more comfortable night? Would it not have been better to have killed him this afternoon?


• I think so, third bullet point. I really do.


• Dude, you just blew (mumble) hundred dollars on a cat you plan to kill tomorrow. That's, like, stupid.


• If I'm ever asked to give a reckoning of myself, I should like to think I had gone well. That I had guarded growth where I could, eased pain where I could. Die in a fire, fifth bullet point.

Now I'm gonna go make sure dpaxson is available soon after the vet opens tomorrow.

Then I'm gonna go pet the cat I'm killing tomorrow.

-- Lorrie

Comments

[petranef.livejournal.com]

I have been there. I am so sorry. *hugs*

[countgeiger.livejournal.com]

This.. is the most compassionate course, I beleive. If aught else, he deserves that we consider this action carefully, and sleep on it.

As to the money? Fuck that. It's something we can replace quickly and readily. I'll be damned if I'll let some trifling bits of paper stand between us and doing what we know is right.

[lferion]

((((((Lorrie))))))

[abhasana.livejournal.com]

It's not "just a cat." It's the being you've shared your life and love with, and who has shared life and love with you. It's not at all stupid to put money towards making said being as comfortable as possible. Compassion is never stupid, or wasted.

Gods be with you all.

[lilmissnever.livejournal.com]

I told Mike today that cats are poorly-designed, in that they do not live as long as humans do. It is a fucking tragedy and when this happens to my cats I will howl and sob and hope that I do the right thing at the right time.

George was the cat that taught me that cats can be nice and that they can love people. He was the first cat to crawl into my lap and purr. He woke me up on the mornings when I slept on your couch in Mountain View. George and Wibble are the reason that I have two cats instead of one, so that they would keep each other company and grow up sweet.

I don't know why it feels like a little sliver of my childhood is dying, but it does. I don't imagine that you and Mike feel any better. Be well, Miss Lor. You have been a good cat Mom. You have taken care of George from start to finish. Half the pain of being alive is that you have to watch things die.

[emberleo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

--Ember--

Self compassion

[apel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry Lorrie. I realised when I petted him a few weeks ago and could feel his spine that he probably didn't have that much longer. But I didn't think it would go this fast. I'm really sorry for all of you: George, you, countgeiger and your feline house mates.

Cut yourself some slack. One of the few things that have been nurturing, unchanging and stable in your life for well over a decade will be gone. That's going to hurt in thousands of ways, some expected, some less so. Grief takes time and energy. I know you know that about other people but it applies to you too. You're human too and that's OK.

[dealan-de.livejournal.com]

You are doing the right thing, both in letting go and in giving yourself this one last night to say goodbye.

Crying is good and they are not "just" cats they are furry love machines that are worth every dollar, every tear and every moment we give them.

You'll be in my thoughts.

[wodandis.livejournal.com]

There's no such thing in my world as "just a cat." Or "just a dog," for that matter. We're not species-ist like that; they're family members, as much as anyone else. Having just gone through this with Jo's Angel late last year, we were both crying by the second paragraph of this post. Honey, all our prayers and thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Much hugs and love to you.

[freydis.livejournal.com]

:::hugs to you, countgeiger and George:::

you are definitely doing the right thing. Give kitty lots of love and comfort tonight. You won't regret it.

Tell George that when he gets up to Freyjas hall, have him look for my kitty, Thor, who I'm sure is livin' it up in there. George sounds alot like my Thor was. They'll be great friends.

(((((Lorrie))))))

[bluedolfyn.livejournal.com]

I know that, intellectually, you've got a handle all the wrong bullet points, but I'm going to state this just in case you need to hear it again: they need us to be able to do this for them. It's a sorry world we live in where we can't do this for our human family members, or rather, that they can't do it for themselves. But, the critters? They totally can't. They can let us know, one way or the other, but they can't do it themselves. Right now, and probably later, I know the doubt will creep in, the "was it the right thing to do?" doubt, and -- I'm not saying this to comfort you or myself or anyone -- I *know* they let us know what they need and want. I know it.

Angel tricked us. He had a really rough two weeks when he went on his meds -- which, I know I've said before, I wish we hadn't even bothered with, for the hell it put him through those two weeks -- and we took him off. And, he was bad for a day or so, and then, the Friday night, when I got home, he perked up. He followed Laure down the stairs himself, out of his sickroom, and he hung out with all of us, and snuggled, and batted his food around a bit, and was obviously not well, but better than he had been since before we brought him to the vets. And then, when the day was over and we went to bed, it got drastically worse. Horribly worse. Emptying his body out worse. I said over and over, I wish I had known, as I would have taken him to be put down (heh. To kill my dog, as I jokingly say) the day before. Except, he wanted that one last night. I know that. It's not always about physical comfort or discomfort for them. It can be about what they want and need, emotionally, and often it's what they want for their people moreso than for themselves.

I'm probably preaching to the choir, but it helped me to be reminded of that, so maybe it'll help you too.

He's not a cat. He's family. He's family and he's sick and it's horrible. And I'm so so sorry. But, yay for George, for having you, and for having shared his life with you, and for sharing his death with you. Such an honor. A horrible, awful, *hard* honor, but still. You are wonderful.

If you need anything that I can do, please let me know.

(((hugs))))

[ex-ciannait.livejournal.com]

Why should we not spend money on family members? We buy expensive computers, we can spend at least that on living things that love us. I think, anyway. As I said to countgeiger, I am very sorry.

[dasubergeek.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm really sorry. Poor George -- he lived a long life and I'm sorry it has to end.

"Holy crap, it's a cat, get over yourself."

I had these insidious thoughts too, when Jackie died last month. I tried to go to work, and my boss, who under the gruff ex-Air Force exterior has a soft heart, booted me summarily off the computer. If you ran over a stray in the street you would be heartbroken; why, then, this need to "get over yourself" for YOUR cat, whom you have let into your heart for over a decade?

"Was this the most compassionate course? To make one more comfortable night? Would it not have been better to have killed him this afternoon?"

Only you can answer this. It may have been easier for YOU had you euthanised him this afternoon, because you wouldn't be wrestling with this, but you are taking the opportunity to say goodbye to him. From George's point of view it's all the same, because you bought him drugs so he won't suffer tonight. For my own part, there is no such thing as too much delay in a death -- if you are not ready, but you kill anyway, you berate yourself. Death is irreversible. You have to be READY to make that choice.

"Dude, you just blew (mumble) hundred dollars on a cat you plan to kill tomorrow. That's, like, stupid."

Bluntly, Lorrie, big fucking deal. It's only money. It is easily replaced. We didn't take Jackie to the emergency hospital. I wish we had. I'd have spent tens of thousands if I'd needed to, but I went along with the, "eh, we'll take her in the morning" plan. She died overnight. Now I beat myself up -- what if we'd taken her and they'd saved her? I'll spend money on peace of mind.

"If I'm ever asked to give a reckoning of myself, I should like to think I had gone well. That I had guarded growth where I could, eased pain where I could. Die in a fire, fifth bullet point."

You rescued two cats from a shelter in New York City. You cared for them, loved them, succoured them, fed them, put up with the slashes of claws, moved them at great inconvenience to you (no, really, it sucks to move pets) several times. YOU HAVE DONE RIGHT by this cat.

[pentaclemoon.livejournal.com]

As you know I was very much in the same place with my Tigger. I had to make the hard choice back in Oct of 2005. I will miss George. Make sure you take pictures.

[kaffee-spinne.livejournal.com]

This is your last evening, a time to shower him with love and comfort. Tomorrow you will be easing his pain and allowing him to step beyond. ******Hugs*****

You are doing the right thing. Give him lots of love and painkillers tomorrow.

[blue-estro.livejournal.com]

Points 1 and 5 can go do something painful and anatomically impossible to themselves.

Warm thoughts with you and Mike, and George.

[mlion.livejournal.com]

Hugs and comfort - Dubh and I had to do that with Ras. It's not easier, ever, and bulletpoints one and five can screw off.
We'll be thinking of you all tomorrow.

[alfrecht.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear that.

The same thing happened with our beloved bichon frise in 2004--he was fairly old (almost 13), and was having kidney problems and seizures on a regular basis as a result. It was hard to do, but necessary. Our other dog at the time was not the same since, and died in his sleep one night about seven months later. It is never easy to do these kinds of things...

[friggasfemme.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry. There are no words, I just ache for you.

[erynn999.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

ohhhhh

[purplevenus.livejournal.com]

George. You are so brave darling. Hugs and hugs and hugs. And I will come help you dig a hole.
I am so sorry. He has always been a dear.
But it is the right thing, and it totally sucks to be unselfish sometimes.
*Hugs you tight*

[wolfs-daugher.livejournal.com]

You are doing the same thing I would do. For the same reasons. With the same bullet points.

And I too am crying as I write this. Because four foots are family too. Because being covered with fur doesn't make them less people.

My back yard looks like HELL. I need to get massive amounts of work out there done, and landscaping etc. But there's a hof and a cemetery for four foots, and if you have nowhere that you can put him, and want him in a sacred spot, guarded by both Vanir, Aesir and Yangi, there's room for him. Your choice, as you will.

Love you
Sparrow

[battleraven.livejournal.com]

(hugs) It's never easy losing a pet. My thoughts are with you and your kitty.

[bellacrow.livejournal.com]

you know that you are 1. spending the night to say goodbye so you can 2. Give him the good death

So hard, *hugs* I'm so sorry this anchor is moving to the other side.

[medancer.livejournal.com]

You are a good cat mother.

::huuuuuuuuuugs::